Today was that way. The church were we have what was my NA home group called yesterday, that meeting is mon, wed, fri, there has been no meeting period for over a week. I called about 5 or 6 ppl that I know attend that meeting regularly, no one answeard or returned my calls.

I called ppl yesterday at 4 pm waited till 1 pm today to tell the church anything.. no one called. I had to make the choice to close the meeting for now. This meeting is an old freind, its the meeting I got clean in, its the meeting that introduced me to the program, that saved me from a certain death.

This meeting has went from averaging 15-20 ppl per meeting to averaging 3 ppl per meeting. There has not been more then 10 ppl in 2 months of meetings. There has not been a meeting ( its recorded in a book) since June 20th. There should have been about 4-5 meetings by now. This just breaks my heart into a million tiny pieces.

Then my therapists office calls today, last week she cancelled due to illness, this week they call and she is no longer with the agency as of this morning, so I now have to wait until the 17th to go to therapy!!

Gahhhhhhhhhhh!!! I was finally ready to dig deeper then normal and work on exorcising my inner demons.. no such luck. I did get a break in that the lady who will be my new therapist is one that I did a woman's group with so at least Im comforatble with her. ( I hate breaking in new ppl.. takes me a bit to open up and feel ok with opening up and crying in front of them..) Phillip wants me to work on my abandonment issues, and hell I need to work on them badly.. how is this day helping today?? Its so not helping at all!!!

K has been grouchy sounding the last two days, then today Im talking to her the way I normally do ( she's been going to work with her stepmom and said she hates making beds..) so I go oh honey sorry you had a bad day, then she asks me to stop talking to her like she's a baby. I apologized told her that I didn't realize I was n she says.. its ok I didn't tell you before. Then it doesn't help that I got asked to call her at night since it "distracts her from working" and by then she's probaly tired and cranky.

Then I got a school check but it was a great deal less then it normally is. So it got spent on getting a new tire for the car, buying antivirus n microsoft office student since I need those things for school.. and groceries. That took the whole check!!

Normally with a school check, I can pay bills for an entire month and have money left. Then today the phone's been ringing off the hook when I just feel like being left alone. Today has had me feeling depressive n grumpy a great deal .. and now Im off to watch tv , veg out and go to bed..